Butterflies

I came to a small realization last week as I sat in my den with The Boy watching terrible tv and chatting (as we tend to do most nights).  He asked me if I had ridden (it was Thursday, and I usually ride on Thursdays), but I said I hadn't bercause of work... but I was going Friday instead and he simply said "good."

(riveting dialogue I know)

And as I sat there I thought - it is good.  I'm totally excited about it, and I find myself always eager to get in the car and make my way to the barn. 

This isn't a high threshold to hit - I'm excited to go to the barn for almost any reason, but as I started thinking about our lesson-to-come and the ride we already had on Wednesday, I was so eager to be back at the barn that I had literal butterflies.

Like, can't wait for the Big Show/Big Date/Big Interview type butterflies.  The kind that don't necessarily keep you up at night, but they at least have you check the clock when you wake up to see if it's reasonable to get out of bed yet. 

I guess it's sort of like Christmas Eve butterflies when you are a kid - and I get them every time I think about going to ride.

I finally said as much out loud and we had a slightly more interesting dialogue about why that is. 

Even at my lowest lows in the middle of my biggest struggles with a horse - I've always been itching to get back to work with them. 

Even when Pia was flinging me into walls I would willingly blow off happy hours with friends or postpone work commitments just to get to the barn. 

What I'm trying to say is- I've always been a horse crazy girl, so I wouldn't expect anyone to think it was weird for me to be really-really-excited about going to the barn. 

In fact, I wouldn't expect me to really think it was weird either -

But there is a difference these days, and I think it has to do with the fact that in almost two months of riding Windsor I haven't had even one moment under saddle where I felt like he was being a jerk. 

I've been frustrated, or wished he didn't so willingly let me made bad decisions, (I swear he sees that I'm over the pace and just let's us eat the fence sometimes..) but he's never given me the middle finger, or tuned out, or been spooky at weird stuff or done anything to make me nervous to try again.

We aren't exactly throwing the jumps up at this point, so I'm not going to say that every ride is some magical synergistic experience - but it's also never terrifying and I always get out of the irons with big pats and thank yous.

I don't think I've ever had two months of rides on a horse without one Jerk move somewhere.  Whether it was spooking at a corner of the ring (repeatedly) or panicking about a particular canter lead, or refusing to trot forward or whatever - I've come to always expect a sprinkling of those moments - which is what makes the total absence of them so - butterfly inducing.

It's a pretty cool thing actually. 

And now I understand why some of my peers spend literal years searching for the right horse with the right brain.  I've set out with that goal but always ended up distracted (and enamored with) the pretty mare, or the big trot or whatever other "shiny" object catches my eye.

though he does have a pretty dreamy forelock...

So I'm enjoying it.  I'm trying not to obsess about perfection and progress (which is hard for me), but rather stay aware and mindful of how much more relaxing my rides have become and figuring out how to leverage that for maximum fun.